More Laughter!!!!

[Dragon]

I am only part way through this thread but if i dont take a break i may never breathe again!

I havent laughed this much in ages. Great thread DO =)

[Dark One]

As many are aware, the French government recently announced a raise in its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The normal level is "General Arrogance", and the only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate".


The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French that are on a heightened level of alert:

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "Ineffective combat operations" and "Change sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdain" to "Dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They have two higher levels: "Invade a neighbour" and "Lose".

Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have gone from "Isolationism" to "Find another oil-rich nation for regime change".
Their remaining higher alert states are "Attack random countries (ideally those without any credible military)" and "Beg the British for help".

The British are also feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the Great Fire of 1666.

[Lauren Hedgehog]

This is currently going around my lab

A classic parable, perhaps from France:
In the jungle of research, a small white rabbit stumbles upon a wolf.
“What’s a bunny doing here? ” says the famishus famishus wolf.
“I am doing an important piece of research work for my thesis, ” says the rabbit.
“And what is that?”
“It’s all about the superiority of rabbits on wolves.”
“Hin hin.”
“Dont you believe me? Come to my place.”
And no one ever heard about the wolf anymore.
Sometimes after that the rabbit meets a Tiger in the jungle of research. Asked what he is doing in such a perilous place, the rabbit says: “A thesis work on the superiority of rabbits on tigers. And if you don’t believe me, come to my place.”
And no one ever heard about the Tiger anymore.
And then just before his sabbatical year, the rabbit met with a fox in the jungle. He invites the fox, who do not believe in the superiority of rabbits on foxes, to come to his place. And inside the rabbit’s home, the fox sees a small amount of wolf bones, and next to them a not so small mount of tiger’s bones. And next to them, there is a table. Behind it, in an armchair, there is a lion. On the desk a small sign says “Director of Research.”
La morale: it does not matter what the subject of your thesis is, it’s what power you boss really has.

[Wh|te Fyre]

lol, both of them are funny!

[Dark One]

An MBA and an Engineer go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep.

Some hours later, the Engineer wakes his MBA friend.

"Look up at the sky and tell me what you see"

The MBA replies, "I see millions of stars."



The Engineer asks "What does that tell you?"



The MBA ponders for a minute:

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of

Galaxies Potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.



What does it tell you?"



The Engineer friend is silent for a moment, and then speaks....

"...Someone has stolen our tent".

[Dark One]

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.

Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the state trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.

Suddenly he thought,

"What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.



Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at His watch and said,

"Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before,

I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a

Florida

State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."



"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.

[Cat-Eyes]

Hehe, that's good.

[Dark One]

The following 15 Police Comments were taken from actual police car videos around the country...

#15. "Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

#14. "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that¹s the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."

#11. "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

#10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

#9. "Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Is Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."

#6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5. "No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

#4. "Just how big were those two beers?"

#3. "In God we trust, all others we run through CPIC/NCIC."

#2. "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

And ... THE BEST ONE!

#1 "You didn't think we gave pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't - Sign here."

[Dark One]

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to finds his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.



"What's up?" he says.



"I'm having a heart attack!" cries the woman.



He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialling, his 4-year-old son comes up and says



"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"



The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.



Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor



"You rotten S.O.B." says the husband, "My wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

[~*~Neisha~*~]

LOLLLL!

FINALLY a blonde GUY joke!

^_^

[Dark One]

One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he's her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get p!ssed off. She goes to her mom and says, "Mom... What have you been doing all your life? Dad's been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!"

Her mom replies, "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Three blondes are stuck on a desert island and one finds a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie pops out and gives them each a wish. the first blonde says, "I wish I was 10% smarter so I could get off of this island." Then she turns into a redhead and swims off the island. The second sees what happens and says "I wish I was 25% smarter so that I can get off this island!" She then turns into a brunette, makes a raft from trees and sails off. Finally, the third blonde says "I wish I was 50% smarter so I can get off this island." She then suddenly turns into a man and walks across the bridge.

[Dark One]

Jock was returning home from the pub, smelling like a distillery.
He flopped on a bus seat next to a priest. His tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of whiskey was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. Then he asked the priest,
"Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Well my son, it's the result of loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much whisky and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well I'll be damned!" Jock muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, feeling a little guilty, said, "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't, Father. But I was just reading here that the Pope does".

[Lauren Hedgehog]

jgduffin said:

Three blondes are stuck on a desert island and one finds a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie pops out and gives them each a wish. the first blonde says, "I wish I was 10% smarter so I could get off of this island." Then she turns into a redhead and swims off the island. The second sees what happens and says "I wish I was 25% smarter so that I can get off this island!" She then turns into a brunette, makes a raft from trees and sails off. Finally, the third blonde says "I wish I was 50% smarter so I can get off this island." She then suddenly turns into a man and walks across the bridge.

Well.. I've heard it before, but it was more like this
Three men ;D are stuck on a desert island and one finds a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie pops out and gives them each a wish. the first man says, "I wish I was 100 times smarter so I could get off of this island." Then he swims off the island into the east. The second sees what happens and says "I wish I was 200 times smarter so that I can get off this island!" He then swims off into the east. Finally, the third man sits down and thinks for a bit then says "OK, I wish I was smart enough to get off this island." He then suddenly turns into a woman and walks across the bridge ;D

[Dark One]

I think if you look back through this thread, you'll find that i've posted that joke somewhere...

Anyway:

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run
over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is
cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little sh!t, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he
must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have
something in your hand?"

That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty
it was, but useless in a fight."

[Dark One]

There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.

Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.

"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.

After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's bum.

While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.

"You were right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"

[Elspeth]

Someone posted this on my friends list at LJ a little while ago and I thought I'd share it here:

[Dark One]

lol! i like that


Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. "Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?" "Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..." "Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please." "Well, all right. Yes, 3 times." "Three? When were they?" "Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?" "Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?" "Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?" "I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?" "Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"

[Dark One]

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night.. whether you're here or not."

[Dark One]

A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.







When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.

[craZyaNgel]

hahahaha that poor man! (the husband and mailman!)

[Kaylan-R]

lol ive heard that last one!! Its funny lol

[Dark One]

Take My Wife…


I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

David Bissonette


When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Sacha Guitry


After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Hemant Joshi


By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates


Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Dumas


The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?

Sigmund Freud


I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Anonymous


"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

Henry Youngman


"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."

Sam Kinison


"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."

James Holt McGavran


"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."

Patrick Murray


Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming: 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Nash


The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...

Anonymous


You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Henny Youngman


My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield


A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Milton Berle


Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

Anonymous


A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Anonymous


First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

[craZyaNgel]

hahahahahahahaha

[Kaylan-R]

The pen!s, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:

1. I do physical labor.

2. I work at great depths.

3. I plunge head first into everything I do.

4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

5. I work in a damp environment

6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
>
7. I work in high temperatures.

8. My work exposes me to diseases.


Dear pen!s,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
raised, the management denies your request for the following reasons:

1. You do not work 8 hours straight.

2. You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND fall asleep after EACH brief work
period.

3. You do Not always follow the orders of the management team.

4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen visiting

other locations.

5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated
in order to start working.

6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as
wearing the correct protective clothing.

8. You will retire LONG before you are 65.

9. You are unable to work double shifts.

10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have
completed the assigned task.

11. And if that were not all, you have constantly been seen entering
and exiting the workplace carrying two Suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely
The Management

reasons not to be a pen!s...
1. Your bald your whole life.
2. You have a hole in your head.
3. Your neighbors are nuts.
4. The guy behind you is an ass hole and
5. Every time you get excited,
you throw up and then faint


lol

[Dark One]

Lol! I'll send that round the office i think