More Laughter!!!!

[Dark One]

"THE YOUNG BUSINESSMAN"


A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."
- The Joker 06/27/03

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"HOLDING THE BABY"


A woman got on a bus holding a baby.
The busdriver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
- The Joker 06/28/03

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"SALLY BRINGS HOME HER REPORT"


Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's.
However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."
- The Joker 07/02/03


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


"Out for a Drive!"


The Clintons are driving along in Arkansas. Needing gas, they pull over. Hillary excuses herself to go to the ladies’ room. After filling the tank, Bill goes looking for Hillary and is surprised to see her talking animatedly with the gas station attendant. Stunned, he watches as she gives the attendant a big hug and a kiss on each cheek.
“What was that all about?” Bill asks huffily when she returns to the car. “Oh,” explains Hillary, “I went to high school with that guy. In fact, I think I even dated him at one time. We were catching up on old times.”
“Well,” observes Bill, “I guess if you had married him, you’d be pumping gas today!”
“Oh no, Bill,” says Hillary, “if I had married him, he’d be the president of the United States!”

[Dark One]

"Denise and De..."


A man and woman marry after a brief courtship and all is well for a time. Eventually they are blessed with child.
The woman's time comes, and as she is taken into the operating room, she calls the husband over. "Honey, there's something I really have to tell you. There is as an very old tradition in our families that the oldest living male gets to name any new children born to anyone in the family. That means my brother must name our first child. I know this comes as a shock, but I couldn't tell you earlier, because I didn't want to upset you."
"But, but..." sputters the husband "I know your brother. Wasn't he injured in the war? There's no question that he'll screw this up!"
"I'm sorry" says the wife, "but that's the way it has to be."
"All right" he sighs, "what did your brother name our daughter?"
"Denise," says the mother, quietly, and the husband sighs in relief. Just then the doctor informs them that they are about to be parents of male and female twins.
"Oh no", sighs the woman.
"What is it, love?"
"The boy's name is Denephew."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


"RICH TEA AND SYMPATHY"


There was this artist, who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes, and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now. As usual, his model reported, and after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day's work.
He told her not to bother as he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He told her that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed.
The model said "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can do." He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps.
"Oh my God!" he whispered loudly, "It's my wife, Quick! Take all your clothes off."

[Dark One]

"One scary plus sign!"


A Jewish student was doing well in school in all subjects except for Math. So his parents decide to send him to a private Catholic school.
While there the boy came home from school and studied every day. At the end of the marking period the boy got straight A's. So his parents ask him, "What motivated you to do so well in school?"
He replied, "When I saw that guy nailed to a plus sign I knew they weren't fooling around!"

[Dark One]

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!" Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[Dark One]

Paddy

Paddy came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinko drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife, who was already asleep.

He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

And "who in the hell are you?" Demanded Paddy, "and what are you doing in my
bedroom?".

The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

Paddy was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Paddy was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Paddy, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".

"Never" replies Paddy

"Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being
reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him...ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Paddy, wake up you drunken bastard, you're sh!tting the bed".

[Dark One]

STANDING IN LINE


Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only, one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

[Squirt]

Three little ducks go into a bar..............................

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day.....
What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender.

He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all
day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be
Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

"My name is Puddles."

[Dark One]

Lol! I've heard that one before. Still makes me laugh though


"A STORY ABOUT EVERYBODY"


This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"A Moral Question"


Pretend that you're a photographer who has gone out to the Midwest to take pictures of an ongoing flood. Now as you're wandering around looking for a good shot, you see Hillary Clinton in the middle of a rushing river, holding onto a thin branch so she won't get swept away. The branch is about halfway broken, and you know it will break altogether in a matter of minutes. Now you can do one of two things: You can either rescue her or take an award-winning picture that will secure your place in photographic history.
Now for the question:
Which lens would you use?

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"Selling a house"


Scorcher Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent's hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading. After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked,
"Have I got all ye say there?"
The agent said, "Certainly ye have...Why d'ye ask?"
Replied Murphy, "Cancel the sale...'tis too good to part with."

[Squirt]

I love the Hillary Clinton one! lol!

[Lauren]

My addition to the laughter....

American Football FINALLY makes sense ....
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had
great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked
her
how she liked the experience."Oh, I really liked it," she replied,
"especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just
couldn't
understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded,
her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of
the
game, all they
kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!

And...

Buggin' You

[Squirt]

That's great! 'Get the quarterback!' lol

That bug is fantastic! lmao!

[Dark One]

Lol! They're both very good!

[Siryn]

i like this one.................

How to tell a guy its OVER



Dear ________,



I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut.

I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavours, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition.



Tick those that apply...



___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.

___The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!

___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

___Your constant e-mailing shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!

___Your legs are skinnier than mine.

___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.

__I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

__The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.

___You still live with your parents.

__Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Alien uniforms a little disconcerting.

___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.

___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long-term partner.

___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

___I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.



Sincerely,
__________

[Squirt]

lol! Mow I know how to get rid of my dozens of admirers!

[Siryn]

Dozens??? yer right!!!!

are they in the room right now??

[Dark One]

THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"

The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."

The Manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"

The Aussie said "One."

The Manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

....... "124,237.64. pounds" the Manager choked and exclaimed "124,237.64 POUNDS" What the hell did you sell him?"

"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat.



then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".



The Manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"

"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady Friend and I said.........

'Well, since your weekend's f**ked, you might as well go fishing."

[Squirt]

Lol!

[Never Undressing Sneer]

LOL! i love it!
keep them coming, they're all great!

[Dark One]

"Call on an Expert"


Little Johnny was playing with his father's wallet when he accidently swallowed a quarter. He went crying to him mom, choking on the quarter. They took him to a doctor, who said that the quarter was impossible to remove without surgery, they consulted a specialist who was of the same opinion.
Then came a man who said he could get the money out in a jiffy. He turned little Johnny upside down and patted him with great precision on the back of neck and, sure enough, the quarter rolled out.
Everyone was amazed, the father said “You must be an expert!” The man replied, “No sir I'm just a simple lawyer.”

[Lucy]

Oh dear...I'm discgraced to say it took me three reads to get that one!! Good stuff (when my brain kicks in) ...

[Lauren]

One for the women...

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

I'm sorry. What was the question?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hehe, this is so hard! Have a go though, its fun.

The Maze

Enjoy!

[Lucy]

Hmm...that's about as true to real life as jokes get

[Dark One]

Lol! Thats good!

"AN EASY ENOUGH MISTAKE"


A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Elton John walked into a tattoo parlour and wanted a Limousine tattoo'd onto his p*nis.

The Tattooist turned around and said

"Nah i think you'd be better off with a tattoo of a land rover with the amount of sh*t it goes through!"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I don't understand.

After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses - I had to give up drinking beer.. I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.

Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day when she came home from grocery shopping the receipt included £45 in makeup.

I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"

She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."

I told her, "Hell woman, that's what the beer was for!"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

SLIP OF TONGUE

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with

hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: - - -silence - -
HUSBAND! : "oh sh!t"

[Dark One]

Talking clock

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. When they made it to the bedroom, they saw a big brass gong next to the bed.
"What's a big brass gong doing in your bedroom?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously," asked his astonished friend?
"Yup," replied the drunk, "it's a talking clock."
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch," the drunk replied.

He picked up the mallet, gave it an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, a voice on the other side of the wall screamed, "You a$shole, its three o'clock in the morning!"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"Never talk to the parrot"


Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!"
Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.
As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!"
To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!"

[Squirt]

That's great! Especially the gong one!!! This thread is great!