More Laughter!!!!

[aasder]

Tad sexist, eency weency bit racist and rude but it's like practically half the jokes so lets not take offence people
Stranded on a desert island
On nine beautiful deserted islands, in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman

2 French men and 1 French woman

2 German men and 1 German woman

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman

2 English men and 1 English woman

2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman

2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman

2 American men and 1 American woman

2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later, the situation is as follows:

One Italian man has killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trios.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The Bulgarian men, after looking at their stalwart Bulgarian woman, have started swimming.

The two English men are still waiting for someone to come by and formally introduce them to the English woman.

The Irish men began by dividing the island into North and South. They then quickly set up a high-volume distillery. Because they get sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey -- causing their manhood to become quite limp -- sex never becomes a fighting issue... Anyway, they are quite satisfied knowing that at least the English men are not getting any.

The American woman keeps on b!tching about her body being her own temple; the true nature of modern feminism; how she can do everything that they can do; about the necessity for her personal fulfilment; the equal division of all household chores; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer; and how her relationship with her mother is improving. The two American men are contemplating suicide.

[Dark One]

Lol! Thats very good!

Here's some more:

Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porshe, it's a Ferrari."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Sex in the Dark
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down, and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you b e lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy . . . if you explain the kids."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Poor guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[Siryn]

HAHAHAHA THOSE ARE FUNNY!!!!

[GCR]

Awesome Guys!! PMSL!!!

[Dark One]

While riding one day, a Cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog
and sheep and he began a conversation:


Cowboy: "Hey, nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."


Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' alright."


Indian: (Look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (Pointing at the Indian)
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and
takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian: (Look of disbelief)


Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Good"
Indian: (Extreme look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the Indian)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often and keeps me in a shed to protect me."
Indian: (Complete look of utter amazement)



Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep liar."

[Dark One]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

However, as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

.................................................................................

However when they got home, the Milkman was stone dead on the porch

[Squirt]

Those are great! Especially the milkman one! Lol

[Siryn]

i know! that actually happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

[Dark One]

What? You're friend came home and found a dead milkman on her porch?

[Squirt]

Your friend hey? hehe

[Siryn]

squirt, up shut! you promised

[Squirt]

Sorry Up shut now I will!

[Dark One]

No! Talk you will!

[Squirt]

hehe, my place it not is!

[Siryn]

STRAIGHT Damn!!!!!!!!

[Dark One]

A man and his ever-nagging Wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.

While they were there, the Wife passed away.

The undertaker told the Husband "You can have her shipped home for
£5,000,
or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for £150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped
home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend £5,000 to ship your wife
home,
when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only
£150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three
days
later he rose from the dead.

I just can't take that chance."

[Squirt]

Eminem Drug Bust

[DragonMornir]

pml hehehehe thats gold, Squirt and DO !!! hehehehe!!!

[Dark One]

Lol! Love that pic Squirt!

[Siryn]

What's the difference between "guts" and "balls"?

Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and slapping your wife on the butt and telling her, "You're next!"

[Lauren Hedgehog]

I got this one in an email the other day

Woman Who Reads

>
> One morning a husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides
> to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, his wife decides to
> take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, drops anchor and
> begins to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls
> up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, ma'am. What are you
> doing?"
>
>
> "Reading a book," she replies.
>
>
> "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
>
>
> "I'm sorry, Officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
>
>
> "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at
> any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
>
>
> "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault", says the
> woman.
>
>
> "But I have not even touched you," says the game warden.
>
>
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
> start at any moment."
>
>
> "Have a nice day, ma'am," he said, and left.
>
>
> Moral of this story: Never argue with a woman who reads. It is likely
> she can also think.

[Siryn]

haha, that's a great one!
speaking of us women.....

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a Handy Guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!

Dangerous: What's for dinner?
Safer: Can I help you with dinner?
Safest: Where would you like to go for dinner?
Ultra Safe: Here, have some chocolate.

Dangerous: Are you wearing that?
Safer: Wow, you sure look good in brown!
Safest: WOW! Look at you!
Ultra Safe: Here, have some chocolate

Dangerous: What are you so worked up about?
Safer: Could we be overreacting?
Safest: Here's my paycheck.
Ultra Safe: Here, have some chocolate.

Dangerous: Should you be eating that?
Safer: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
Safest: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
Ultra Safe: Here, have some chocolate.

Dangerous: What did you DO all day?
Safer: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
Safest: I've always loved you in that robe!
Ultra Safe: Here, have some more chocolate.


13 Things PMS Stands For:


1. Pass My Shotgun

2. Psychotic Mood Shift

3. Perpetual Munching Spree

4. Puffy Mid-section

5. People Make me Sick

6. Provide Me with Sweets

7. Pardon My Sobbing

8. Pimples May Surface

9. Pass My Sweat pants

10. p!ssy Mood Syndrome

11. Plainly; Men Suck

12. Pack My Stuff
and my favorite one ...

13. Potential Murder Suspect


Pass this on to all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh! Or men who need a warning. And remember: Money talks, but Chocolate SINGS!!!

[Dark One]

The Value of a Drink



"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some ! it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not

[/color]

[Siryn]

Female verses Male Poem

FEMALE POEM

I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I want him to be gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, be not annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind,
And knows how to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I want this man to love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

---------------

MALE POEM

I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.
I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh*t.

[Dark One]

A young ventriloquist is touring the comedy clubs around the country. One night he's doing a show in a small town in Oklahoma. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
A blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think that you can stereotype women in that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general .. and all in the name of what you call humour."

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells.

"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little sh!t sitting on your knee."