More Laughter!!!!

[Dark One]

Chavtastic



1. What do you call a chav in a box?

Innit.



2. What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?

Sorted



3. What do you call a chav in a box with a lock on it?

Safe.



4. What do you call a chav on fire?

Blazin'



5. Why are Chavs like slinkies?

They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a
flight of stairs.



6. What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit?

The bride.



7. You're in your car and you see a Chav on a bike, why should you
try not to hit him?

It might be your bike.



8. What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut?

One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.



9. What's the first question at a Chav quiz night?

"What you lookin' at?"



10. How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box?

Paint go-faster stripes on it.



11. Two Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving?

The police



12. What do you call a chav with 9 GCSE's?

A liar.



13. What do you say to a chav with a job?

Can I have a Big Mac please.



14. What do you say to a chav in a suit?

Will the defendant please stand



15. What do you call a knife in chav-ville?

Exhibit A



16. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a Nova a shame?

A Nova seats 5



17. What do you call a 30 year old chavette?

Granny.



18. How many chavs does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, they'll screw anything.



19. What do you call 100 chavs at the bottom of a river?

A start.



20. How many chavs does it take to clean a floor?

None, "That's some uvver bleeders job innit."



21. Why did the chav take a shower?

He didn't mean to, he just forgot to close the Nova's window in the

car wash.



22. Why did the Chav cross the road?

To start a fight with a random stranger for absolutely no reason
whatsoever.



23. What do you call a Chav at college?

The cleaner.



24. Two chavs jump off beachy head, who wins?

Society.



25. A bus full of Chavs were driving through Wales. As they were
approaching Llanfgogogferrinfourasoch they started arguing about
the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth
until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one
Chav asks the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you settle
an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...
very slowly?"

The blonde girl leans over the counter and says,
"Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr-Kiiiiing."

[catwhisperer]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! (even though there is a little bit of having a shot at blondes!)
How funny! I can't believe i only just looked in here! HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

[Cookie Lover]

[insert wild maniacal laughter here] Very funny, I applaude it!

[Dark One]

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home

Depot when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence.

I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says,"Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?

The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue

eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts.

What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.

[Dark One]

EMBARRASED DOCTORS FROM AROUND THE WORLD





1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have
her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted
the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I
noticed that there were several cabs -and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX.


2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an
elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big
breaths," I instructed.
"Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA


3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife
that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than
five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that
he had died of a "massive internal fart."

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada


4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble
with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse
told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of
places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped
I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before
applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA


5. While acquainting my self with a new elderly patient, I
asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete
confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my
husband was alive."

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR


6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast
this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't
seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see
the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labelled "KY Jelly."

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI


7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman
with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of
tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly
determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled
for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the
staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it
there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note
on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

Submitted by RN no name


AND FINALLY!!!................

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite
embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my
embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst
out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and
sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied,
"No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar
Meyer Wiener".


Dr. wouldn't submit his name

[Dark One]

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway
when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady,

"Why don`t you eat the peanuts yourself?".

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.


The puzzled driver asks,

"Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied,

"We just love the chocolate around them."

[Squirt]

hehe, that's fantastic!

[Dark One]

A Chinese couple gets married and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is

not too experienced either. On the wedding night, she gets naked under

the sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring.

"My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firss time and you berry frighten.

I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting, juss anyting

you want.. Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want to try someting I have heard about ... numbaa 69".

More thoughtful silence, this time from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries... "You want...chicken wiff broccori?"

[Dark One]

This is brilliant – one up for the boys for a change, this man deserves a medal or at least an oscar!



NO SEX TONIGHT


I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much.
And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.

I have never figured out why men think with their head, and women with their heart.

For example:: One evening lasts week, my wife and I were getting into bed.
Well the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "What???!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman, enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off work to spend time with her.

We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big department store.

I walked around with her while she tried on several different, very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.

We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you . . . . She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me, because she asked for a tennis bracelet, when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?!"

I then said "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either

[Cat-Eyes]

Heheh, that's brilliant DO

[Dark One]

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One wet and rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
She looked out the window and yelled to her lover "Quick jump out the window. My husband's home early!!" "I can't jump out the window! It's raining out there!" "If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun, the rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's Annual marathon.
So he started running along side the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.
After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked. "Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free." Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?" "Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly.
"That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car To go home!"
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Nope ... just when it's raining."

[Kaylan-R]

lol thats was the funniest hahahaha Ive heard "no sex tonight", though i still laugh every time i read it. Thanks for sharring, D.O!

Here's a few jokes to tickle your funny bone

1
One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

2
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so p!ssed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the watering-can is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"


3
One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.

She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"

The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."

So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."

Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."

Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.

A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

4
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

[Dark One]

Lol! Very good! I've just sent those round the office

[Kaylan-R]

lol Thankyou

Ive been sending yoour in emails

[Lauren]

Hahaha, those are awesome, guys!

Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He
told Bush that 3
Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.

To Rumsfeld's amazement, all of the color ran from
Bush's face, then
he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly
shaken, almost
whimpering.

Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld,
"Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"

---------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Save the whales. Collect a whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like....night.
3. On the other hand, you have.... different
fingers.
4. Remember, half the people you know are below
average.
5. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
6. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
7. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some
people have.
8. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad
memory.
9. How many of you believe in psycho kinesis?....try
raising my hand.
10. OK...so what's the speed of dark?
11. When everything is coming your way, you're in
the wrong lane.
12. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just
don't have enough film.
13. How much deeper would the ocean be without
sponges?
14. What happens if you get scared half to death
twice?
15. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your
horn louder.
16. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
17. Inside every older person is a younger person
wondering wh at the Hell
happened.
18. Just remember---if the world didn't suck, we'd
all fall off.
19. Light travels faster than sound. That is why
some people appear bright
until they speak.
20. Life isn't like a box of chocolates....it's more
like a jar of
jalapeno's. What you do today, might burn your
behind tomorrow

---------------------------------------------------------------
An English professor wrote the words:

"A woman without her man is nothing"

on the chalkboard and asked his students to puncuate it correctly.
All the males in the class wrote:

"A woman, without her man, is nothing"

All the females in the class wrote:

"A woman: without her, man is nothing"

Punctuation is powerful.

[Kaylan-R]

lol, love the punctuation joke.
Here's two

There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "F*CK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer watering-can you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

[Dark One]

Lol! Very good. liked the sex one. Here's an exert from Theo Walcotts diary:

What I did on my summer holiday
By Theo Walcott Esq aged 8 1/2

I went to a place called Germany with my Uncle Sven and some other grown up's.
It is a country in Europe where a bad man called Adolf used to live with his nazties, he does not live there anymore, Uncle Owen does live there, and the grown up's say I cant talk about the bad man as it will make Uncle Owen cry if I do.

In Germany there are lots of castles and some mountains. We are staying in a place called Baden Baden that's a silly name, Uncle Frank has the same name as his dad, that's silly too, his mum must get their underpants mixed up all the time.

On the aeroplane Uncle Sol sat next to me, he got me some toffee and wants to be my friend, he works at the place where I do my YTS, so does Uncle Freddy but him and Uncle Sol are not best friends anymore.

Uncle Owen met us at the airport, he talks foreign, Uncle Wayne, Uncle Steven and Uncle David also talk funny, my mum says Uncle David talks like Orville, he is a duck, Uncle Sol say's uncle David wears dresses and knickers, and asked me if I had ever worn them. Uncle Sol got me some pop.

In Germany the grown ups are going to play football, my grandad says we beat them in the olden days before my mum was born. That is a long time ago.

While the grown up's went to play football so I went shopping with Auntie Vicky and some other girls she bought me a big ice cream and got herself a little one but she said she was full before she had eaten any and threw it away. She bought lots of shoes and handbags and let me play with Brooklyn.

She say's she used to be in a pop band and sang me one of her songs, I think she was telling fibs.

I told Uncle Sol about my day out with Vicky and he sulked, then he bought me an even bigger ice cream with lots of hundred's & thousands on it.

All the other grown up's have a girlfriend except Uncle Sol so he plays with me while they go out. Uncle Sven says I must keep Uncle Sol happy, that's why I got taken on holiday.

The grown up's went to play Football against somebody called Sweden, Uncle Sol was crying as Uncle Freddy played for them and would not talk to him.

Uncle Sol bought me lots of toffee today and some crisps. Uncle Sven is from Sweden and I heard him on the phone to their boss last night. Uncle Michael hurt his knee and had to go home to his mum for a plaster. Uncle Peter is a giant, a proper giant like you see in books, he is rubbish at football though.

Uncle Wayne had a sore toe at the start of our holiday but it got better so they let him play football. Uncle Sol got me a present but I do not like it. He says all Germans wear leather underpants and I should while we are here, they are too tight for me.

All the grown up's started to call Uncle Wayne a potato head who stood on somebodys spuds. He got shouted at by the referee. They are all saying that we have to go home now. Uncle Sol was crying again and I had to sit on his knee to make him stop. He had his mobile phone in his pocket, I think....

[Dark One]

Sven-Goran Eriksson is on 'Who wants to be a Millionaire' and has reached the £1 million question.

Chris Tarrant says,


"Right Sven, this is for a £1 million, and remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time.

"Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a Set?

"Is it. a, a badger b, a ferret c, a mole or d, a cuckoo?"

Sven ponders for a while and says, "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too sure. I'll have to go 50-50."

"Right, Sven, let's take away two wrong answers and see what you're left with.

'Badger' and 'Cuckoo' are the two remaining answers."

Sven has a long think, then scratches his head and says,


"No, Chris, I'm still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend."

So who are you going to call, Sven?" says Chris.


"Hmmm, I think I'll call David Beckham."

So Tarrant phones David Beckham.

"David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who wants to be a Millionaire'.

I've got Sven-Goran Eriksson here, and with your help he could win £1 million. The next voice you hear will be Sven's."

"Hello David" says Sven. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives in a set? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?"

"It's a badger, boss." says Becks without hesitation.

"You sure, son?" says Sven.

"Definitely, boss. One hundred percent. It's a badger. Definitely."

"Right, Chris," says Sven, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger.

"Final answer, Sven?"

"Final answer, Chris."

"That's the correct answer. You've won £1 million!"

Cue wild celebrations.

Next morning at training, Sven calls Beckham across.


"Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you a call, but you played a blinder!

But how the heck did you know that a badger lives in a set?"

"Oh I didn't, boss..." replies Beckham, ..........

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.Everyone knows cuckoos live in clocks.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongsidethe woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you couldstart at any moment. "I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,"says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you, " says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

[Kaylan-R]

lol....oh my that sexual assult one is good I love it!!

Here's one (lol you'll like it ):

That's just cold and nasty....

Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's
been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs in to
the ER and says his wife's been in an accident they tell him Dr. Smith is
handling the case.

They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a
terribly upset Mr. Jones.

"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks.

"Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?"

The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's
accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."

"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?"

"Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is
inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means
you will have to feed her." Mr. Jones begins to sob.

"And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent
pneumonia."

Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly.

Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her
as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers
must be changed at least five times a day."

Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.

The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her faeces on a
regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincters. Her
bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must
clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll
be emitting regularly."

Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning
to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.

Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the
shoulder.
"Hey, I'm just fu(k!ng with you man, she's dead!"

[Kaylan-R]

A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist,
"Hello, could you give me condom. I'm going to my girlfriends for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!"
The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the young man is going out; he returns and says, "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. Shealways crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too."
The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says, "Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting me to make a move!"

During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him. When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying, "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and Thank you for all you give us."
A minute later the boy is still praying; "Thank you Lord for your kindness." Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down. The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others. She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, "I didn't know you were so religious."
The boy replies, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!"

[Dark One]

Lol! I've heard the pharmacist one before. The other one was quite shocking but amusing

[Cat-Eyes]

Yeah, heard the Pharmactist one before. The disabled woman one is horrible!

[Dark One]

Snappy Answers

Snappy Answer #1
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Snappy Answer #2
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Snappy Answer #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Snappy Answer #4
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Snappy Answer #5
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please," she began her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore. "F*** you!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too."

Snappy Answer #6, THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its Best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.

[Dark One]

Having a bad day?

Dont know if they are true or not, but its a fun read

Think youre having a bad day?
Well, then,considerthis... In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Having a Bad Day?
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $ 80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.A minutelater, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

STILL think you're having a Bad Day?
Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany.
Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The twohelpless protesters were trampled to death.

What?? STILL having a Bad Day?
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. Itcame back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

[Wh|te Fyre]

*laughs*
good one DO.