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Post by Dark One on Oct 5, 2005 0:19:44 GMT 11
King Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest. He was worried about
>leaving his beautiful Queen Guinevere alone with all those lonely
>Knights of the Round Table. So he went to his famous wizard, Merlin,
>for some advice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the
>wizard looked thoughtful and said to come back in a week and he'd
>see if he could come up with something. A week later King Arthur was
>back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him
>his latest invention. It was a chastity belt... except it had a
>rather large hole in the most obvious place. "This is no good,
>Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this
>supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?" "Ah, sire, just observe."
>said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found
>what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn out wand,
>one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the
>gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine
>blade came down and cut it neatly in two. "Merlin, you are a
>genius!" said the grateful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that
>my Queen is fully protected."
>After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon
>his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot.
>Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had
>them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.
>Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or
>damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad. "Sir Galahad,"
>exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight! Only you among
>all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant
>you? Name it and it is yours!" But Sir Galahad was speechless.
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Post by Dark One on Oct 11, 2005 0:11:09 GMT 11
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognizing him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!" Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!" Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he let's go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle." Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, "Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.!"
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Lauren Hedgehog
Guildmember
You can get more with a kind word and a 2 x 4, than you can with just a kind word :)
Posts: 1,008
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Post by Lauren Hedgehog on Oct 11, 2005 23:43:32 GMT 11
is a scouser scottish?  |
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Post by Dark One on Oct 12, 2005 2:55:52 GMT 11
a scouser is generaly a term for someone form the Liverpool area, but can mean anyone across that part of the country.
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Post by LinJa on Oct 13, 2005 16:30:55 GMT 11
POSITION: MOM AND DAD JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long-term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES:
For the rest of your life must be willing to be hated at least temporarily, until someone needs $5 to go skating. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, and embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION:
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.
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Post by LinJa on Oct 13, 2005 16:40:52 GMT 11
WISDOM FUNNIES
The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time. - Abraham Lincoln
You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk.
Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the driveway before it has stopped snowing.
There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it. -Chinese Proverb.
Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young.
I asked Mom if I was a gifted child... she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.
Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
We child proofed our home 3 years ago and they're still getting in!
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
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Post by LinJa on Oct 13, 2005 17:07:06 GMT 11
If you have time, do take a look at some of these famous words from TOMORROW'S LEADERS.
"Kids say the darndest things"
=============================
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your maths sums on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!
TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile"?
JOHN : "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN : Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH?? : "HIJKLMNO"!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH?? : Yesterday you said it's H to O!
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS?: George!
TEACHER: William, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLIAM: Me!
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.
SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
JOSE : Don't bite any.
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY:"Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day at the same time."
TEACHER: What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots!
KIRK : Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the same at home.
At a church school gathering, one little old lady approached a cute 5-year-old girl and asked her where she got her good looks.
"I musta got 'em from my Daddy," said the little girl, "'cause Mommy's still got hers."
TEACHER: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?
STUDENT: Brotherly love.
TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.
An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class.
"How did that happen?" gasped her mother.
"It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."
A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.
"How did you know?" his mother inquired.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom.
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Post by LinJa on Oct 13, 2005 17:25:17 GMT 11
==========================
Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes
==========================
[English phrase]
-- [Chinese Interpretation]
Are you harboring a fugitive
-- Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P.
-- Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man
-- Dum Gai
Small Horse
-- Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach?
-- Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table.
-- Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift.
-- Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here.
-- Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed?
-- Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution.
-- Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet.
-- Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone.
-- No Pah King
Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena?
-- Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
You are not very bright.
-- Yu So Dum
I got this for free.
-- Ai No Pei
I am not guilty.
-- Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer.
-- Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week.
-- Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived.
-- Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight.
-- Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile.
-- Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive.
-- Yu stin ki pu
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Post by LinJa on Oct 13, 2005 17:37:26 GMT 11
WARNING: M15+ VIEWING
***************************
HOW TO KILL AN EEL (the xxx way)
***************************
Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done.
One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend.
This he did, and the following morning, Johnny described everything to his mother.
"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights, then he started to kiss and hug her. I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.
He was getting sick too, because pretty soon, both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt.
About this time, sis got towards the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis told him she was really HOT. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick... a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. HONEST!
Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it, she got really scared. Her eyes big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the one I saw at the lake! Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by bitting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go... I guess it bit her back.
Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket, & slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis laid back & spread her legs so that she could get a scissor lock on it. And he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eel puts up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squeeling & her boy-friend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.
After a while, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel... I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp & some of its insides were hanging out.
Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. And by golly, the eel wasn't dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again.
I guess eels are like cats... they have nine lives or something.
This time, sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flushed it down the toilet."
Mother fainted.
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Post by Dark One on Oct 13, 2005 21:35:59 GMT 11
ROTFLMAO! Superb jokes linja! ;D ;D
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Post by Dark One on Oct 14, 2005 3:41:47 GMT 11
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
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Post by Dark One on Oct 14, 2005 3:42:15 GMT 11
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind, Two, you didn't read your homework, and three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
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Post by LinJa on Oct 16, 2005 22:37:36 GMT 11
The time has finally come...
Men strike back! ! ! (darn them, hA hA =D)
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be open when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
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P.S. Women please send all abuse to carefactorzero@hotmail.com
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Post by Dark One on Oct 17, 2005 21:29:37 GMT 11
WHICH WOULD U CHOOSE? CAKE OR BED? ?A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, “HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW” HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY; “FIX THE LIGHT, NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE AN ELECTRICIANS LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!” THE WIFE ASKS, “WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT.” TO WHICH HE REPLIED, “FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE HOTPOINT WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.” FINE, SHE SAYS, “THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR?” THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK.” “I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX THE STEPS”, HE SAYS. “DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WOODIES DIY WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!! “ SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT. AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED. “HONEY”, HE ASKS, “HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?” SHE SAID, “WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.” HE SAID, “SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?” SHE REPLIED, “HELLOOOOO.......DO YOU SEE DELIA SMITH WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!”
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Post by Dark One on Oct 17, 2005 21:30:44 GMT 11
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken
Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises
slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around
before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and
again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before
it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening,
and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
(You're going to love this).............................
.................................................................
................................................................
................................................................
................................................................
................................................................
..............."Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking
Duck"
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Post by Dark One on Oct 18, 2005 21:33:21 GMT 11
THE IRISH CANDLE STORY
Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up
with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and
didn't I marry ye and yer husband two years ago?"
She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."
The Father asked, "And be there any wee little ones yet! ?" !She
replied, "No, not yet, Father."
The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a
candle for ye and yer husband."
She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father." They then parted ways.
Some years later they met again. The Father asked, "Well now,Mrs.
Donovan, how are ye thesedays?"
She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"
The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones
yet?"
She replied, "Oh yes, ! Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in
all!"
The Father said, "That's vonderful! How is yer loving husband doing?"
She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle!"
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Post by Dark One on Oct 26, 2005 2:36:33 GMT 11
An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish Sandton building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren,@ £580.
Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Channel No. 5,@ £620."
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, farts, then says,
... "Baked beans ... £2.50."
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Post by Dark One on Oct 26, 2005 20:36:29 GMT 11
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."
"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh sh!t, it's started"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Larry gets home late one night, and his wife Linda says, where in the hell have you been?"
He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would you get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on your privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I Like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand, and Last, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home And blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
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Post by Dark One on Nov 4, 2005 0:40:37 GMT 11
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border
checkpoint.Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal
to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four"
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishman retorts
disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons.""
You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four.
You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.
"The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over
I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A Somali arrives in Bradford as a new immigrant to the United Kingdom.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,
"Thank you Mr. Britain for letting me in this country!"
But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am Indian."
The man goes on and encounters another passer-by.
"Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Britain!"
The person says, "I no British, I Chinese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful Britain!"
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Poland, I am not British!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you British?"
She says, "No, I am from Pakistan!" So he is puzzled, and asks her,
"Where are all the British?"
The Pakistani lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says...
"Probably at work."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A Day off
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing?
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off. A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What are you doing ?"
I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days". I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her " ...And where do you think you're going?"
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Post by Kaylan-R on Nov 5, 2005 9:46:36 GMT 11
lmao Linja
and that Cake or Bed one was funny Dark One!  ;D
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Post by Dark One on Nov 11, 2005 20:30:13 GMT 11
A little girl asked her Mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for walk around the block?"
Mum replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent,and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the lead and only go one time round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later withno dog on the lead .
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway down the block,so another dog is pushing her home."
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Post by Dark One on Nov 24, 2005 23:23:54 GMT 11
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The barman walks up and asks what's in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano stool, which he places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful
piece by Mozart! "Where on earth did you get that?" says the barman. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the barman and says: "Here. Rub it." So the barman rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish. Just one wish. Each person is only allowed one!"
The barman gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!" A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The barman turns to the man and says, "You know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."
"Tell me about it!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist!
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This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what the matter was.
He said, "Darling, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, Vaseline and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.
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Post by Cat-Eyes on Nov 26, 2005 12:31:33 GMT 11
Euurrggghhhh to the last one...
Very funny!
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Post by Dark One on Nov 28, 2005 8:01:03 GMT 11
Lol! I had a similar reaction when i sent that one round the office
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Post by Dark One on Nov 28, 2005 23:11:36 GMT 11
Last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club. It was a
cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the
streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by
the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then
suddenly he heard a strange noise.......
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving
rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box
approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more
clearly....It was a coffin.
Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started
walking briskly home.
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking
faster.........
BUMP........BUMP......
BUMP........BUMP.....
BUMP........BUMP......
The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he
heard the coffin speed up after him......
BUMP........BUMP......BUMP......
BUMP........BUMP......BUMP......
BUMP........BUMP......BUMP......
He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.
Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only
seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys,
His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside
slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and
lumped into his comfy chair.
Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through
the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin
allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its
chase.....
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could
take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and
launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the
bathroom door flew off its hinges....
The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young
terrified lad.
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom
cabinet......
He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the
coffin.......still it came .
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it .....
Still it came......
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it .still it came......
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it........
The coffin stopped
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