jokes

[Miska]

Dark said:

A guy walks into a bar with an Octopus. He sits the Octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is very talented Octopus."He can play any musical instrument in the world."

Everyone in the bar laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he will wager £50 to anyone who has an instrument that the Octopus can't play. A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the Octopus.Immediately the Octopus picks up the guitar and starts better than Jimmy Hendrix. The guitar man pays up his £50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. This time the Octopus plays trumpet better than Louis Armstrong. The guy pays up his £50. Then a Scotsman walks up with some bagpipes. He puts them down and the Octopus fumbles with them for a minute and then sits down with confused look."Ha Ha!" the Scot says. "Ye nae can plae it, can ye ?"The Octopus looks up at him and says.......


"Play it?.... I'm going to f*** it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off.."

Dark said:

An old lady dies and goes to heaven.

She's chatting it up with St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.

"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.

"Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"

"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."

"You can't go there, "says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."

"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that!"

Dark said:

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again! reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends."

[Dark One]

thanks miska

[Miska]

no problem gorgeous

[Dark One]

*blushes*

[Miska]

;D ;D ;D well i found a joke of my own i dont no if i sent this round the email thing...but here it is i love it

The Pope is travelling...

After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105mph.

" Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear G-d, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped
a limo going a hundred and five. "So bust him," says the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think its the G-d!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's G-d?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!!"

[Dark One]

lol! Very good! haven't heard that one before

[Kaylan-R]

lol ;D

[Megana]

lol!! That's awesome, Miska!! Love it!! ;D

[Marija]

teehee ^_^ These are so funny ^_^

[Gambit]

my all time fave:
a man walked into a bar....OUCH

[Dark One]

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon.

Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 PM.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.

Mystified, she nonetheless complied.

He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying b*stard! You've been playing golf!"

[Miska]

LOL! love it darkone!

and cheers ppl i really liked that joke of mine too

[Dark One]

An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex girl notices something strange about the wellies that the Irish guy's wearing.
She says to him
"Scuse me mate, I ain't bein fannny or naffink, but why doz one of your wellies ave an L on it, and the uva one's got an R on it?"
So, the Irish guy smiles, puts down his pint of Guinness and replies,
"Well, oim a little bit tick you see. The one with the R is for me roight foot and the one with the L is for me left foot."
"Cor, blimey!" exclaims the Essex girl,

"So THAT'S why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them."

[Dark One]

A lady goes on vacation to Jamaica. Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him, "What is your name?"
"I can't tell you" the black man says. Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he can't tell her.



On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?" I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me." says the black man. "There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.
"Fine, my name is Snow!" the black man replies.

And the lady bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and says,

"I knew you would make fun of it".


The lady replied, "I'm not making fun of your name. I'm thinking of my husband who won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow everyday in Jamaica!"

[Miska]

lol i love it darkone hehehe snow in jamaica hehehe;D;D;D

[Gambit]

just wondering....is this thread M rated?

[Dark One]

Whats an 'M' Rating?

[Squarmi]

for mature audiences only....

Squarmi

[Dark One]

ah, probably equivalent to our '18' rating

[Miska]

yea gambit it pretty much is :S sorry!

[Never Undressing Sneer]

oh.... but... meh, i'm staying!

[Miska]

rebell rebell heheheh

[Never Undressing Sneer]

*grins*

nah, my mum wont care, so why should i?

[Lix]

maybe a mod could put a warning on it? or maybe move it to the emmebrs only section if peopel are concerned

and for the record id have trouble believing the 10 inches

[Dark One]

I don't think there's any comment we cna make on that... ;D