jokes

[Lix]

yes lets not
quite frankly its being optomistic

[Miska]

well how bout we just keep the rudeness level down....cos i dont think we can place a warning on it nad ppl will still look at it anyway...so just try and keep it pg

[Lix]

*giggles*
you were the one who reposted them!

[Miska]

i noand i asked then to becareful of hte rating...so im jsut re-itterating that...

[Dark One]

tis difficult though. Some of the stuff i post i may not consider to be too bad, but others might

[Lix]

yeah but there are 11 year olds on here

[Dark One]

thats true. i tend to forget.


Sorry people

i'll try and vet stuff before i post it next time

[Lix]

what does vet mean?

[Dark One]

'vet', as in make sure things are suitable

[Dark One]

Right, i hope these are suitable. If not, someone please tell me...


Most of you are probably too young to remember Tommy Cooper, but you may have seen him on re-runs

Here are some good old silly ones to cheer you up

1. Two blondes walk into a building ... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message ... 'If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key.'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off.'

8. I went to a seafood disco last week .. and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft and it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

10. Our ice-cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. A man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
The doctor says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12. 'Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
'That's the Tom Jones syndrome.'
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

13. A man takes his Rotweiller to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What, because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy.'

14. A guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start!'

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff ... boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's not me so it's either my Mum or my Dad, my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. I think it's Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub. One says to the other, 'Your round.' The other one says, 'So are you, you fat goat!'

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on my windscreen which said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

22. A man walked into the doctor ' and said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places.' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore.'

[Lix]

hey they actually cheered me up til i read the one about the vet
my dogs getting put down today

[Miska]

lol they're lots better darkone just htink primary school kids and u should get the level fine

[Miska]

ok here is somethin from me:P

TWO TOUGH QUESTIONS

Question 1:

If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?


Read the next question before looking at the answer for this one.



Question 2 :

It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates.


Candidate A -

Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two Mistresses He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.


Candidate B -

He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C -

He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke,
drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.


Which! of these candidates would be your Choice?





Decide first, no peeking.



----------------------------------------------



Candidate A: is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B: is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C: is Adolph Hitler.


And, by the way, the answer to the abortion question:
If you said yes, you just killed Beethoven.

Pretty interesting isn't it?

Makes a person think before judging someone.
Never be afraid to try something new.




........and just so u can hear my answers i said no to the abortion. but i did pick C. only after thinking its prob better that a politition has a history - at least u then no what ur dealing with. people with out a history are unknown teratory and quiet scary really.

[Dark One]

i picked c....


was good though!

[Miska]

yea i learnt somethin new about hitler!

[Arien]

i picked A...

*huggles lix* sorry about your doggie..

[Lix]

thanks arien
i feel like poo

[Dark One]

Yeah, sorry to hear about your dog Lix. Tis worse than losing a member of the family! *grugs*

[Dark One]

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup.

As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest.

"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. "I guess it just leaves an impression."

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup.

As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest.

"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup.

As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest.

"Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.

"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

[Miska]

lol...well u no it couldnt all go to plan:P

[Dark One]

i didn't think that one was too bad!


I've done wrong again haven't i...

I can remove it if people wish?

Maybe this one will be better?

Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.


Foot Note:

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."