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Post by Kaylan-R on Jul 18, 2005 19:25:41 GMT 11
;D
Teacher - How was your holiday, Penny?
Penny - Great. My brother Paul and I spent the whole time on the beach, burying each other in the sand.
Teacher - That sounds like fun!
Penny - Yep, it sure was! Daddy says we can go back next year and find him.
;D
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Post by Dark One on Jul 18, 2005 22:27:34 GMT 11
Lol! Like it. Here's another one for the list:
Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional But" said the Scotsman. "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."
"Well." said the Englishman "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
"Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drink they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. He swears every word is true. "Well" said the Englishman "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not myself personally no" said the Irishman, "But it did happen to my sister."
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Post by Never Undressing Sneer on Jul 19, 2005 12:42:07 GMT 11
they are both great! i cracked up!!!!
i love these jokes!
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Post by ~Dani~ on Jul 19, 2005 18:39:57 GMT 11
lol, good one Dark One ;D
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Post by Dark One on Jul 20, 2005 0:04:08 GMT 11
Three ducks walked into a bar.
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender.
He turned to the second duck,
"Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said,
"So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."
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Post by Madame Kat on Jul 20, 2005 1:01:57 GMT 11
Realy! Dark One.  heh heh... But it was funny tho. ;D |
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Post by Talmina on Jul 20, 2005 20:34:43 GMT 11
heres another one
this drunk gets on a bus one night after a few drinks and sits next to this little old lady, who looks him over and tells him
"You're going to hell"
He jumps up and runs down the aisle yelling to the driver "stop i got on the wrong bus"
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Post by Dark One on Jul 20, 2005 22:34:41 GMT 11
lol! Very good
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Post by Dark One on Jul 22, 2005 20:38:58 GMT 11
The Centipede
This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?
Scroll down!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WAIT!
YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS!
Then a little voice came out of the box:
"Stop shouting, I heard you the first time! I'm putting my fecking shoes on ... ?!"
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Post by Miska on Jul 22, 2005 21:04:49 GMT 11
lol i love the last one...adn the bus one! LOL! brilliant!!!! all of them are good!!! lol
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Post by Lauren on Jul 22, 2005 23:02:06 GMT 11
well i didnt get the bar one.  i never get jokes! its so depressing....*cries*  WELCOME BACK NORMAN!! *throws party in normans honour*  ;D |
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Post by Dark One on Jul 22, 2005 23:34:11 GMT 11
wait until you're a bit older. Then you'll understand the joke  |
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Post by Lauren on Jul 23, 2005 17:41:33 GMT 11
everyone tells me that!! *sighs*
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talisha
Guildmember
Number One Rushton Supporter GO WANDIES!
Posts: 1,535
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Post by talisha on Jul 23, 2005 19:42:50 GMT 11
haha then perhaps it's a good thing that you didn't understand it!
They're all great!
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Post by Miska on Jul 23, 2005 20:55:19 GMT 11
ill second u there jes  lol *shakes head* ...*jumps in and out *
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Post by Megana on Jul 25, 2005 12:38:32 GMT 11
lol!! Loved them all!! Very funny guys! ;D
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Post by Madame Kat on Jul 26, 2005 19:50:49 GMT 11
heheh. Funny. Ok. Now I'll add a few  : Baptizing a drunk.A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies "No, I haven't found Jesus." The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?" The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus." By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again---but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?" The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?” ******************** A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill." ************************** The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. " **************************** A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty." ***************************** The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples." ************************* Actual answering machine messages recorded and verified by the world famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers: "My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished washing dishes." "A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message." "Hi, this is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money." "Hi. Now you say something." "Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep." "Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?" "Hello! If you leave a message, Ill call you soon. If you leave a sexy message, I'll call sooner." "Hi, John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.... Please speak very slowly while I write down the message and I'll stick it to myself with one of these magnets." "Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you." "This is not an answering machine-this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call." "Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave a message and if I don't call back, it's you." "Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back." "If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message." |
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sarahjane
Gypsy
Get me 30 cc's of chocolate milk and a choc mint cookie, stat!
Posts: 295
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Post by sarahjane on Jul 26, 2005 22:25:56 GMT 11
Hehe, how amusing. You're all very funny people.
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Post by Lauren on Jul 27, 2005 0:20:59 GMT 11
sarahjanes a NEWBIE!!!!! velcome velcome!!! what guild are you in? ASHLINGS ROCK!  |
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Post by Miska on Jul 27, 2005 10:47:36 GMT 11
well welcoem sarahjane!!! and i love them...the ones wit hteh little kids nad the teachers ur feet arent empty lol...*shakes head* love it!
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Post by Madame Kat on Jul 27, 2005 16:43:46 GMT 11
Hello sarahjane! Welcome. (p!sst: join the Mystics) |
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Elspethseeker
Guildmember
OH YEAH MOONFAIR SEASON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posts: 2,460
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Post by Elspethseeker on Jul 30, 2005 17:21:41 GMT 11
Hey another newbie!! HI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *waves* i love them all and the bar one i am sad to say i got. It is the dolphine thing all over again. |
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Post by lunicatcalledelf on Jul 31, 2005 16:30:58 GMT 11
hehehe they're really good!!!
Hey sarahjane!!!
Long time... no see! lol
Welcolme to obernet.
Have fun posting...
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sarahjane
Gypsy
Get me 30 cc's of chocolate milk and a choc mint cookie, stat!
Posts: 295
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Post by sarahjane on Jul 31, 2005 16:33:41 GMT 11
HEY! Thanks guys! Awww, I feel so loved! Im not in any guild... yet...
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Elspethseeker
Guildmember
OH YEAH MOONFAIR SEASON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posts: 2,460
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Post by Elspethseeker on Jul 31, 2005 16:46:00 GMT 11
*whispers* Mystics *clears throat*
We know you will pick which ever one is best!!!
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i never get jokes! its so depressing....*cries*
;D
lol *shakes head* ...*jumps in and out 
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