miscellaneos

[Kaylan-R]

1 - Two aerials met on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

2 - I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

3 - HOMER SIMPSON SINGS THE SOUND OF MUSIC -

Dough, the stuff that buys me beer.
Ray, the guy who sells me beer.
Me, the guy who drinks the beer.
Far, the distance to my beer.
So, I think I'll have a beer.
La, la la la la la beer.
Tea, No thanks, I'm drinking beer.
That will bring us back to *looks into empty glass*
D'oh!

4 - The phone was ringing so I picked it up and said; 'Who's speaking?'
'You are' said a voice.

5 - Two peanuts walk into a bar, one was a - salted.

6 - I went into the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said; ''No, the steaks are too high.''

7 - A blonde walks into a hairdressing salon, wearing headphones. She says to the hair dresser; ''Pleaseut off my hair, but whatever you do, don't knock the headphones off.''
Alas, during the cutting, the hairdresser slips, and the headphones slip off accidently. The blonde falls over dead. The shoked hairdresser bends over and picks up the headphones and listens.
The taped voice was saying; ''Breathe in, breathe out.''

[Roland]

LOL--> Can I join in?

Neurotics build castles in the sky.
Psychotics live in them.
Psychiatrists collect the rent.

__________________________________

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.

[Dark One]

PMSL! I love those!

I've already got the Psyhciatric hotline one on the notice board in my office. Ok try these:

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

One turns to the other and says "dam"


**********

A jump-lead walks into a bar.

The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

**********

A sandwich walks into a bar.

The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

**********

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

**********

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:

"A beer please, and one for the road."

**********

Two cannibals are eating a clown.

One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

**********

Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc.

Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

**********

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

**********

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," said Dolly.

"It's true, no bull!"

**********

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts.

The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

**********

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.

One says, "I've lost my electron."

The other says, "Are you sure?"

The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

**********

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullsh#t before

**********

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy"


**********

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

He was pulled in by a strong currant.

*********

A man walks into doctor's office.

"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.

"It's... um... well... I have five thingyes." replies the man.

"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"

"Like a glove."

**********

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with nuts & hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.

**********

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh

**********

Two fish are in a tank

One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"

[Kaylan-R]

Did you get those from the adults only joke book??




Anyway,


Falling in love - before and after.

Before: Passion
After: Ration

Before: Dont stop
After: Don't start

Before: Turbocharged
After: Jump - start

Before: Twice a anight
After: Once a month

Before: Idol
After: Idle

Before: Is that all your having?
After: I think you should have a salad, honey.

Before: We agree on everything
After: Doesn't she have a amind of her own?

Before: I love a awoman with curves
After: I never said you were fat!

Before: You look so seductive in black
After: Your clothes are so depressing.

Before: Once apon a atime
After: The end.


Not to say to your pregnant wife

1 - Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 10kg.
2 - 'Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guese Elee Mcpherson had a baby'
3 - 'Well, couldn't they induce labour? The 25th is the grand final?'
4 - 'Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a apea. Boy, that's gotta hurt!'
5 - 'I'm jelous. Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?'
6 - 'Are your ankles are supposed to look like that?'
7 - 'Get your own ice cream!!'
8 - 'Geeze, your looking awfully puffy today!'
9 - 'Man! That rose tatto on your hip is the size of Madagascar!'
10 - 'Got Milk?'

Wemon want a relastionship without the complication of unnecessary sex.
Men want sex without the complication of an unecessary relationship.

My friend drowned in a bowl of museli, he was dragged in by the strong current.

Q - What did one magnet say to the other magnet?
A - 'I find you very attractive.'

[Maeve]

Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that''s going around?"
The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad you''re a penguin, doesn''t it?"

*inconspicuosly entices Norman away with the promise of cheese*

[Dark One]

PMSL! that ones so silly its funny

[Kaylan-R]

Doctor, Doctor.


Doctor - I haven't seen you in a along time
Patient - I know, I've been ill.

Dentist - Say ah
Patient - Why?
Doctor - My dog died.

Man goes into the doctors with a strawberry growing out of his head.
'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'' Says the doctor.

Dentist - That was the biggest cavity I've ever seen, ever seen, ever seen, ever seen....
Patient - You don't have to repeat it!
Doctor - I didn't, that was the echo.

Q - Why do surgens wear masks?
A - so that if they make a mistake, nobody will know who did it.

A guy goes to a girls house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She exuses herself to go into the kitchen to make him a drink, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and while he's looking at it, she walks back in.
''What's this?'' he asks.
''Oh, my father;s ashes are in there.''
Embarrased, he returns the vase to the mantlepiece and apologises.
''Don't worry,'' she says. ''The lazy bugger won't go to the kitchen to get an ashtray!.''